Tuesday, July 13, 2010

No Stranger to Shame


Well, I never meant to vanish for a month, and yet I did.

So much has happened, I barely know how to begin.  I talked to Ashley, and she was quite understanding.  Actually, she was more than understanding.  She encouraged me to do whatever would make me happy, even if that meant finding a boyfriend.

Fast forward to last week.  I went to a play in another town where, strangely enough, I found a fellow MoHo.  This wasn't just any guy--this was someone I'd been crazy about for a good six months, but due to his living in another city nothing ever came of it.

After the play, I needed to drive to my parents' for a funeral the next day.  The show got done late, so this guy (who I'll call P) said I could crash at his apartment that night and drive home the next day.  Dumbly, I said yes.

I don't need to go into specifics, but suffice it to say we fooled around that night.  I had to leave at 6:00 the next morning to make it to the funeral on time, and as I was driving I couldn't get over two major feelings I was experiencing--first, of course I felt ashamed for what I did.  Guilt and embarrassment beat me upside the head the whole drive home.  More unexpectedly, I realized that I hadn't enjoyed the encounter the night before on any level.  A guy that I was wildly attracted to was willing to do just about anything and I didn't go through with it not because I felt it was wrong, but because I simply lost interest.

I got back to my apartment late Wednesday night.  Thursday morning, I get a phone call from my bishop.  Not unusual, since I'm the executive secretary in my ward, he usually calls me a couple of times during the week.  What was weird was that he wanted to meet with me that very morning, as soon as I was able.

I was convinced he'd received some revelation about what I'd done and that I'd need to own up to it sooner than I'd anticipated.  (He's an institute teacher, so I visited him in his office there.)  He instead told me about an expert that had visited and held some sort of roundtable discussion with various Church Educational System employees regarding same-sex attraction.  And after discussing a few of the topics they'd talked about, my bishop started to commend me for how I was handling this challenge.  

I could write a lot more about the discussion we had, but let me just say that I felt so motivated to try and fight this challenge rather than give into it, as I'd been wanting to do for a few weeks prior.  I felt that was was indeed mindful of me and was aware of what I'd been experiencing.  And most of all, I felt like I had the strength to stand against it, which is something I hadn't felt in a very long time.

I went to the Matis fireside on Sunday where I met some amazing people.  Things are turning around for me, and I'm really happy about it.

1 comment:

  1. You've chosen a difficult path. My best wishes to you as you journey it. Although I've chosen something somewhat different, I admire your determination. Just don't beat yourself up over being human. And lean on your LDS friend! The MoHo blog world often focuses on the bigots and haters, but I truly believe that there are many, many hetero members who want to understand and help and will do so if you let them.