This painting really resonates with me. I feel like I'm in the same situation as the man there. I wish I could show it here in greater detail. But the man has been singled out by some source of light which seems to be causing destruction all around him, even setting fire to the tree that would normally have hidden him from the light. Interestingly, the man is not harmed by the light and none of the grass around him is on fire. The man is trying to shield himself from the light and is not looking to the source of the light but is instead looking at his surroundings.
So how does this painting fit me? I feel like the truth of my situation is that light. I've attempted to hide the truth by dating girls who were little more than "beards", by altering the way I speak, and by adopting mannerisms that even if they weren't "manly", were at least less effeminate--hiding from the truth behind a tree of my own. But the smoke and mirrors can only distract for so long and eventually give way to the truth. And I feel like that is what's happening to me right now. Even though I've done my best to conceal my feelings and attractions, some things just can't be repressed forever. And people are around me are starting to clue in--why am I 26 and not married? Why have I not had a significant relationship for the last five years? Why are so many of my friends sensitive, well-dressed guys? And so on. I worry the most about my family finding out the truth--I don't know if they know me better than anybody, but of course they've known me longer than anybody. And now, even though the truth is already shining through, I am still trying to shield myself from it.
The hopeful aspect is that the man in the painting is not harmed by the light. I'm not going to walk around proclaiming my sexuality from the rooftops, but I have acknowledged that people are going to find out about it anyway, and I'm working on being okay with that. My hope is that no matter how difficult it is, the truth will somehow set me free.
...if none of that made any sense, at least it's a pretty picture.
Thanks for sharing this. You're right, its an amazing picture, but I appreciate your feelings as well as I've been pondering similar thoughts lately. One additional thought I've had along with those you shared was, so what if so-and-so knows....I don't have anything to hide. It hasn't always been that way but I feel good about who I am and what I'm doing and if someone wants to judge me then so be it. If you need anything you know how to get a hold me. :)
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