Pace Non Trovo

I cannot find peace.

I like guys.  Normally I hate starting on that foot, but in order for any of the rest of this to make sense, let's clear that up right away.

I play my cards pretty close to the chest when it comes to anything very personal.  As a result, the only people I've opened up to about my sexuality are my best friend, another close guy friend, a girl who asked me point-blank on a day when I was too down to try to put up a front, my therapist, and a couple of bishops.  Oh yeah.  And an entire subculture of Gay Mormons...Moho's...Strugglers...or whatever you want to call them.  Personally, I call them "family".

I've been involved (to varying degrees) in the whole Gay Mormon culture for perhaps a year and half, off and on.  I could write a book about those experiences alone, but I'll leave that for another day.  During that time, I've seen some friends stay close to their religious beliefs, some who have moved in with their boyfriends, and everything in between.  Having seen some friends go off and pursue the gay lifestyle, I decided early on it wasn't what I wanted for me.  I had a very strict, conventional upbringing and that is the lifestyle I want for myself--to be the cute little couple in sacrament meeting with a number of small kids crawling over each other, living in a traditional little house living the standard LDS lifestyle I grew up in.

I told myself that all I needed to find was some paragon of a woman--someone who embodied the ideals I was striving for and who could understand my problematic attractions and be willing to work through them together with me.  And of course I would need to dig up at least some feelings of attraction for her.  It seemed like a long shot, but I felt confident that it was doable.

Then yesterday happened.  I had more or less lost contact with most of my "family" friends, but one of them invited me to a small get-together yesterday afternoon.  Realizing that I really did miss these guys and had alienated myself more than I ever meant to, I really looked forward to going.  And it was a great experience, letting me rekindle (and even repair) some old friendships with people I had neglected for way too long.

However, one guy caught my attention right away.  There were a few guys ("family" members) there that I hadn't met before and he was one of them.  It's hard to explain what happened, probably because what happened really bothers me.  But I was just captivated by this guy right from the start.  Even before I was introduced to him, I just could not stop looking at him.  I can't even say what it was about him that had me so mesmerized, but I'd be talking with a group of people and all he had to do was cross the room.  Then suddenly I'd realize what I had been following him with my eyes and I'd jump back into the conversation, pretending I was listening the whole time.  But of course I wasn't.

Later when I started talking with this guy, the feelings for him increased. We clicked right away and the more I talked with him, the more I wanted to be around him.  For reasons I don't understand I was powerfully drawn to this guy and it was thrilling.  Even after I left the party he was (and is even now) all I can think about.

Then I started thinking--of all the girls I've dated or met, not one has made me feel that way ever.  Not even close.  And I started re-thinking my plans for a conventional Mormon lifestyle.  Can (or should) I really start a life with someone I might be content to be with, knowing that I would probably never feel that same "spark" with her that I feel when talking to certain guys?  I don't think it's fair to me and it's certainly not fair to her...whoever she is.  On the other hand, do I run off with some guy and give up the ideals and beliefs I've held my whole life?  No matter what I do, something's gotta give.  But it seems like some divine comedy--I desperately want two things in my life, and I can have one.  But I can't stop thinking that whichever one I choose to give up will always be there in the back of my mind, gnawing away.

So there's the situation.  Two terrible possibilities and no chance I can see of mitigating the emptiness.  I'm stuck at this crossroads and even now I have no idea what I'll decide to do.