Not a Day Goes By

Not a day goes by
Not a single day
But you’re somewhere a part of my life
And it looks like you’ll stay
As the days go by
I keep thinking "When does it end?
Where’s the day I’ll have started forgetting?"
But I just go on thinking and sweating
And cursing and crying
And turning and reaching
And waking and dying

And no, not a day goes by
Not a blessed day
But you’re still somehow part of my life
And you won’t go away
So there’s hell to pay
And until I die
I’ll die day after day after day
After day
After day after day after day
Til the days go by

I don't even know where to begin.  The song lyrics may be more dramatic than the situation warrants, but that song popped up on my iPod and at least some of the lyrics fit really well.

Being Memorial Day weekend, I went home and visited my parents.  My sister was there too with her husband and new baby.  I had a really great time.  While I was there I started to feel really strongly I should tell them about the struggle I've been having.  Up until now, I've made it a point to not even hint at the possibility that there might be a problem, but more recently I've started to see good things that could come of my telling them.  That guy called and we talked about some of the pro's and con's of telling my parents.  What he ultimately advised was waiting until I'd had time to really think this through and decide what my position on the matter is and if I really, truly do want them to know since it'll be undoable once it's out.  I decided he was right and kept my mouth shut.

When I got back to my apartment last night I called an old buddy of mine I'd been playing phone tag with.  Nate's been my very best friend for some time now and knows pretty much everything there is to know about me.  He's been very understanding of my "gayness" even if he absolutely does not get it.  That's alright.  I don't understand straight guys all that well.  I told him about meeting that guy and the effect it had on me.  I wasn't sure how he'd take it, since up until now I had told him (and sincerely believed) that my attraction to men was purely physical.  Instead, I told him about the spark I'd felt with this guy and what an amazing experience it had been for me.

Not surprisingly, he was very understanding.  Then it happened--he told me he'd been talking to Ashley, a girl he's (kind of) been seeing who's been a friend of mine for years.  Ashley asked him point-blank if I was gay.  And...he choked.  I don't know if he was just off his guard or what happened exactly.  He didn't say "no."  He didn't redirect the question.  Apparently he just sat there in silence, leading her to conclude "I think I have my answer."

Then she told him that a number of my friends have been theorizing about this for a while (do they not have anything better to do?) and have come to the same conclusion as her.  Awesome.  (On a side note, these are some of the first friends I made when I moved to school.  I've known all of them for a few years now.)  I thought I was doing at least a decent job with the smoke and mirrors, but apparently I don't touch women like men touch women.  According to her, I touch women like women touch women.  Still not sure what that means exactly.

Apparently my take on that painting a couple days ago (see I Should Tell You) was nothing short of prophetic.  In spite of my best efforts, the truth about me is making itself known.  And in spite of having foreseen this happening to some extent, I was absolutely not ready to hear that news.  Nate and I talked on the phone for quite a while and he helped calm me back down a bit.  I'm still upset about it though.  Ever since Nate broke it to me, I've just been sick about it.

So tonight I'm going to call Ashley and ask her to at least be discreet until I have decided for sure what I want to do with all of this. 

After that, I have no idea what I'll do.